2.0: The Pre-Marriage Checklist

we who are about to die salute you

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late."

                                                                                                              -  Max Kaufman

Before we talk about anything else, we're going to talk about divorce. Yeah, you heard me. I didn't stutter.

First and foremost, this is about (hopefully) involving yourself in a marriage that will last. So, if you’re walking down the aisle with a woman you asked to marry you solely because you like to hear Mendelssohn's 'The Wedding March' on a church organ - or maybe you’re just killing time until Miss August comes to her senses and leaves whatever actor/rock star she's married to at the moment – then you should jump back to Google Search, type in "amazing jugs" and then please forward this link to a serious friend who's committed to getting married in the near future.

But if you're really sure that this one is The One – and you are sure about this, right? RIGHT?! – then take a seat and read on. And for God’s sake, remember to flush this time, okay? (Seriously. Were you raised with wolves or what?)

Let's quick run through the check-list and see if you've accomplished everything you should have BEFORE we release the breaks, engage the afterburners and utter those magic words in front of God and all those people.

Don't worry, I see you out there. "Check list? What check list?! Nobody said anything about a check list? What the hell is he talking about?!" Well there is one. And this is it. So pay attention.

According to the National Statistical Office's Annual Report on Vital Statistics (1998) the reasons most often listed for divorce are, in order of importance:

·         Domestic Differences

·         Family Troubles

·         Health

·         Financial Problems

·         Other

So in the interest of closing the barn door BEFORE the horse gets out, let's run down what lies behind and beneath the statistics.

{I'm not going to cover Health, by the way. Unless you're an eye surgeon who's fallen madly in love with a blind woman that you're convinced you can cure, just like Rock Hudson in that movie, I'll assume that both you and your wife are in good health and – along with your insurance company – expect to remain so for at least the next 20 odd years.}

extra credit:  Rock Hudson, in real life, was gay. And it's not true that married men live longer than single men, either. It just seems longer. A lot longer. And, interestingly, most married men are a lot more willing to die.

1.1: What's This Blog All About, Alfie?

"So what's this blog about anyway?"

In short, it's about you, dipstick. More precisely, it's about providing you with information you'll need – information nobody really wants to share. At least until after she's decided for you.

This is 'Secret Guy Stuff.'  The kind of stuff that your father would normally tell you - that is if your father's idea of a real, heart-to-heart was something more inclusive than "this time put some gas in it and remember to check the oil."

This is also about what you'll be doing, saying and feeling as the last few, precious weeks of Bachelorhood slip away, inexorably moving you closer to The Big Day and The Rest of Your Life. Ominous as that sounds, don't worry. As you've no doubt already been told by countless others – your father; married brothers; cousins; friends; and of course the guys at the strip club out by the airport – as a Groom, you don't really have to do, say, or even think about a whole hell of a lot (all things being relative).

Show up. Smile. Don't fumble the Big Line. Those are the main ones.

But, just like interior offensive line-play in the NFL, there is a deeper, much more subtle "game-inside-the-game" things you might also want to know about. Things that could help you, if only you knew about them. Things you should think about, and perhaps even do, before the Big Day. Things that, to your future wife, are very important.

And no. She won't come out and say they're important and that you need to do them… but they are. And you do. And whether you do them or not will be remembered. Oh boy, will it be remembered.

Because in that one last, brief, irresponsible, breathing space between the time you pop the question and the time your bride walks down the aisle looking more beautiful than your sinner's eyes have a right to imagine, trust me, amigo, it's never enough time. Which is something your bride is going to constantly remind you of - at least right up until you climb into the getaway car to leave for your honeymoon.

1.0: You Asked Her To Marry You?! - Intro

No Flippin Way!

         So… you finally sucked it up and popped the question, eh? And believe me, we all thought that would never happen. Be that as it may, you finally showed the world you've got a pair and joined the ranks of the real adults. You made "The Choice" and selected “The One.” You asked someone to be The One Woman You'll Spend The Rest Of Your Life With And Wake Up To Every Morning From Now On. Forever.

Scary, huh? As Socrates… or was it my father?… once said, "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished."

As you’ll no doubt learn in the coming weeks and months ahead, there are thousands of books, magazines, pamphlets, guides, CDs, DVDs, web sites, YouTube vids and other sources for your fiancée to find and use. All of them are geared at helping a Bride-to-be achieve her short life's biggest dream - that of having The Best Wedding A Girl Could Possibly Hope For (given limitations of time, money and all the annoying, hopelessly idiotic things her mother is going to suggest).

But this site, my friend, is solely for you.

Now, you can let your fiancee read it. Or maybe, like my wife, she'll simply shove you aside, start reading, and tell you that you can have the iPad back when she's good and ready. But just know, after she’s done, she's going to ante up with her opinions - whether you wanted it or not. And then she's going to tell you exactly what she thinks is - and is not - right about it.

When this happens, please remember: A woman's opinion about something written by a guy for guys - especially where weddings are concerned - is pretty much going to be like her opinion about other women.

You know the one's I'm talking about. The ones that make Big Jim & the Twins immediately snap to attention, but whom your fiancee thinks have probably slept with lots of heavy metal rock stars and almost certainly have a disease. The ones she immediately tells you, 'aren't really attractive.'

But as my brother Joe tells his wife all the time, "Well I guess that means when you grow your penis you probably won't screw her with it, will you?"

"Who is this a-hole, anyway?" That's what you're thinking by now, isn't it? That and, "What the hell makes him such an expert?"

A fair question. Am I a member of some 'lucky sperm club' gifted with genetically-enhanced, Martha Stewart-like chromosomes, endowing me with an omniscient, god-like knowledge of all the proper procedural minutia for any impending nuptial?

Do I have some special hot-link communications setup, allowing me to instantly interface with Oprah and her cabal, or those chicks from “The View,” or even Dr. Phil anytime even the most minor emotional crisis or 'life question' comes up during the engagement?

Extra Credit:  As you're not married yet, Dr. Phil started out as an 'Oprah' thing. My wife tried to explain him to me once while I was watching the Budweiser Cheetos NFL Pro-Am Bowl, so I didn't get all the details. Truth be known, it implies a level of interest I do not enjoy.

Nope, none of those. My chief – nay, my sole – qualification is that I got married once. And I'm still (at this writing, anyway) married. To the same woman. The big reason for all that, of course, is because I truly love my wife and she ignor… eh, adores me.

My single, biggest advantage over you is that I usually know when and how to gracefully lose the argument.

Extra Credit:  As a future husband, if you remember only one concept from any of these scribblings, let it be that one.

Now nearly over 10 years later, by writing this, I'm hoping to make you a) smile, and b) educate you a tiny bit in order to help you avoid the mistakes that legions of other would-be, pole-axed grooms made as they went quietly and unquestioningly "over-the-top" when the whistle blew without so much as a "Why are we doing this again, hon?"

So, now that my qualifications have been placed in their proper, if dubious, perspective, I suppose I should add this:

There is "The Rule", and then there is “The Exception to the Rule." Your situation may well be The Exception. But remember, there's a reason why it's called "The Rule". In addition, there are copious references to "Tradition" both here and in countless other places about weddings and the holy state of matrimony.

But as my grandfather once pointed out, "Tradition is what you fall back on when you don't have the time or money to do it right."

2.7: Other Things To Consider

OTHER THINGS TO CONSIDER

The 'Other' category can involve a host of lifestyle issues and differences that are difficult to identify before actually living with someone on a day to day basis. And just as difficult to overcome if they're important in someone's list of personal 'comfort requirements.'

Some things, like excessive snoring, belching or farting are obvious. I have never believed, however, that a man should care what his wife does late at night in the privacy of her own bedroom -- just so long as she allows him earplugs and a fan with a three speed setting.

'Other', though, can also involve abstract things such as Amnesia (e.g. "Just who in the hell do you think you are?");  Vocal Impairment (e.g. "Why don't you speak up a little?! They can barely hear you at the end of the street!");  Mistaken Identity (e.g. "Hey, I'm not the g-d maid around here, you know!") and the often completely disregarded but emotionally irreparable Spelunking (e.g. "Oh! So now we've descended to that level, have we?!")

Or, as my father used to say:  'Heh…  you'll find out soon enough."