3.2a: The Proposal - An Excellent Example

a most excellent example

I'm only giving one proposal example here because I think it's a huge cheat if you use something somebody else already put a lot of time and effort into themselves. Again variations on a theme are okay. But in this age of rampant 'sampling', I think it best if you do your own ground work, mes ami. The example that follows, however, is a certifiable classic and illustrates beautifully the basic steps listed above.

And if you do intend using it, make damn sure your wife never reads this blog.

* * * * *

In a stunning display of imagination, planning, misdirection and execution, my friend Casey - romantic, silver-tongued bastard that he is - wins the prize in my book for combining all of the above-referenced elements in his marriage proposal. He is, to me, the Stonewall Jackson of Marriage Proposals. The fact that he's from North Carolina is just serendipity.

When he decided to ask his first wife to marry him, he took his Intended - on her birthday - to one of her favorite restaurants overlooking the ocean. They got there right as the sun was starting to set. It was also the restaurant he had taken her to on their first date.

Earlier, he had gotten together with the restaurant's staff and arranged some things in advance. Upon arrival, they were seated at a window table and with a view of the fireplace. In addition, he had gone out beforehand and bought a frilly, little "girlie" throw pillow, plus a box big enough to hold it, and then put a bright, big bow around it.

When the appetizers came to the table, so did two glasses of champagne and the big box.

Thinking him the Thoughtful And Charming Boyfriend Who Remembered Her Birthday, his Beloved excitedly wondered aloud what the present in the large box could be? She was then surprised and puzzled when she opened it up and found the very nice but seemingly innocuous pillow inside and asked what it was for?

With that Casey took the pillow, put it on the floor, went down on one kneel on the pillow and asked her in front of everyone in the restaurant (who were, by now, aware of what was happening because of the staff,) if she would marry him. Completely surprised, she smiled a 'yes' to the applause and congratulations of all the patrons and wait staff.

A moment later, realizing, she quite rightly wondered where her ring was? With that Casey told her that it was right in front of her the whole time. Still not seeing it, he handed her the glass of champagne. Inside the glass filled with champagne, was her diamond ring.

Bastard completely ruined it for the rest of us, huh?

3.1: Your Job In Planning the Wedding

                                 "FESTUNG EUROPA"

So what exactly is your job in helping to pull things together here?

Are you like Eisenhower, sitting at the top of the Allied Forces chain of command in your custom underground bunker just off Piccadilly Circus at SHAEF HQ, issuing directives, receiving briefings, handling phone calls from the President and the Prime Minister and simply being "Mr. Necessary" for every phase of the operation and privy to it's innermost secrets and details?

Or perhaps you're more like a Patton or a Montgomery, a shrewd Theater of Operations Commander, tasked with overseeing a large area of responsibility and making sure it supports and meshes effortlessly with the machine-like efficiency of all other battle groups busily executing their part of preparations for the assault on Hitler's Festung Europa ("Fortress Europe")?

Heh… not even close.

Just like Operation Overlord, your "D-Day" will take them the better part of a year to wrestle into place. During that time, think of yourself more along the lines of the Private who is occasionally called up from a basement file room to help get Ike and the rest of the General Staff coffee.

Every once in a great while, when they're dead tired, overwhelmed and less-than-confident that they can pull this whole crazy thing off, someone might even turn to you and ask, "Well, what do you think?" At that moment, just remember one thing:

You're Not Paid To Think, Solider! And now's not the time to get an attack of honesty, either, Dogface. Simply smile and say, "I don't think anyone could do a better job than the one you're doing, sir.”

Your most important job in all of this is only to ask 'how high?' when she says it's time to jump up, haul your ass off the couch and carry those packages in from the car, regardless of whatever Speed Racer rerun happens to be on at the moment – even if it's one of the good ones with Racer X.

Because, after all, it's your wedding too, you know.

  

Don't think of yourself as 'a prop', either – even though your bride-to-be will undoubtedly want to accessorize and coordinate both you and your groomsmen with colors-found-nowhere-in-nature that no one in their right mind would want to be caught dead wearing, let alone on their wedding day, if for no other reason than to tangentially match all of you with all of her bridesmaids gown's, plus the bridal bouquet, her mother's dress, and the color scheme of the reception hall place settings.

Instead, feel free to think of yourself as “The Final Piece of the Puzzle.”

"So what exactly is going to happen?," you might ask in that worried voice your sister always teases you about. As Schubert, Tchaikovsky and Jay-Z will confirm, there are many variations on a theme. But unless you're running off to Vegas with Allura from the "Totally Nude All Star Strip" for a quickie wedding, the posts that follow outline it all for you in considerable detail. Whether or not you want to believe them is up to you.

3.0: The Importance of Her Wedding To A Woman

"OVERLORD"

Eisenhower and the military staff who planned the Normandy Invasion were amateurs compared to Your Beloved, her mother, all the various & sundry sisters, aunts, cousins, girlfriends plus that snooty maitre'd at the Banquet Room, all of whom combine with the megalithic, $40-Billion-dollar-a-Year entity known collectively as "The Wedding Industry".

The planning staff at SHAEF only had to bring the necessary personnel and material together once in a millennium. The Wedding Industry, on the other hand, cranks out hundreds of thousands of these bad boys a month - and that's just in the U.S. alone.  And yes, I agree, we do live in a great country.

Now, let's slightly digress, shall we?

Think back for just a second. Back to a much more innocent time. A time when you were, say, 5 or 6 years old. Young enough to daydream about being center fielder for the Yankees (or maybe a striker for Manchester United) and leaping a tall building in a single bound or perhaps owning your own 2.6 mile particle accelerator in a secret site deep beneath the Nevada desert and still able to believe that it all just might actually happen?

Well guess what, Peter Parker? Your wife wasn't dreaming about unattainable, pie-in-the-sky crap like that. She was thinking about her wedding day.

Believe it or not, while you were scheming about how you could somehow get your hands on Spiderman's web shooters without your dad finding out, she was thinking about walking down the aisle to become the future Mrs. Your-Name-Here in loving, impractical detail.

Instead of scheming for an official "The Duke" NFL football, her daydreams centered on a perfect, pearl-encrusted, silk-and-Spanish-lace Marchesa gown with the completely impractical but-oh-so-romantically beautiful 15 foot long train, right down to the little gold-on-pearl-white, hand-engraved matchbook covers that would trumpet her wedding announcement nestled along side little hand-made nose-gays done in her chosen bridal party colors, both lovingly laid out at every place setting at the country club reception for anyone lucky enough to be invited to your gala affair to take home with them and keep forever and ever.

(Wow, that sure was a long run-on sentence, huh? And no, don't ask me what the hell a nose-gay is, I have no idea.)

Saying that her wedding is important to your fiancee is like saying a hurricane generates a few raindrops. Just as you once would have shrieked your defiance at anyone who dared challenge your dream of crushing a fastball into the cheap seats at Fenway, so your wife is going to be equally protective of her wedding day hopes, dreams and desires. Regardless of how logistically and financially impractical they are.

The fact that she's no longer six years old and is supposed to be a mature adult about these things doesn't have a rat's ass to do with it, either, Slug-O. So, unless you met your bride-to-be at a family reunion, forget about that fun kegger wedding/reception combo at the VFW done in the colors of the Green Bay Packers. Any guy who's ever gotten married without his wife's father standing nearby with a shotgun knows that's got about as much chance of happening as you getting your own set of retractable, Adamantium claws like Wolverine.

2.6: Different Faith Marriages

different faith marriages

Oddly enough, marriage statistics show that different race marriages have a better chance of surviving than different faith marriages do, especially in instances where religion plays a significant role in at least one of the intended's lifestyle. Why?

Because, just like Original Recipe or Extra-Crispy, everybody's religion is not just the "right" one, it's the ONLY one. Everyone else? They're going straight to hell.

Unless you've been in cryo-sleep for the last 15 years, you understand that today, in this country, despite the fact that Freedom of Worship is guaranteed by the Constitution, the question of religion has become extremely polarized and people of different faiths with strongly held beliefs generally view each other with the same openness and acceptance as the 11th century Catholic Belgian Mercenaries regarded the Cathars of southern France – right before they burned them all inside their own church.

A good friend of mine who was raised Mormon married a Catholic girl his first time up to the plate. They had a Roman Catholic High Wedding Mass, replete with prayers said in Latin as their service. To this day, my friend's relatives who attended the wedding swear that the priest was 'speaking in tongues.'

So if your wedding is, by necessity, going to involve two different faiths, and you insist on having a traditional religious ceremony, a good place to start is by getting together with the respective ministers from either faith – both separately and together – to see what accommodations, if any, can be made.

Beyond that, as always, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck, Jim. This blog will self-destruct in five seconds.

2.5: Finances and Marriage

It's been said that a successful husband is one who makes more money than the wife can spend and that a successful wife is a woman who can find such a man.

Money - or a lack thereof - plays a HUGE role in a marriage. All of those 'little' problems you may have recognized but suppressed before getting married are magnified exponentially if things aren't going well financially, regardless of how many 'Married-But-Filing-Separately' scenarios your slippery accountant/cousin Phil may propose.

So if you're thinking of a career as something that's as financially secure and prolific as, say, the bass player in a neo-punk, thrash band - or even as a blog writer - and your Beloved originally comes from a home where she had her own 1500sq ft bedroom/bathroom suite and likes to spend money like a drunken sailor alone at Christmas in the Philippines, then be prepared for some rough seas ahead.

Conversely, suddenly finding yourself on your honeymoon and $28,000 in credit card debt isn't good either. Momo, the knuckle-dragger that the collection agency uses, doesn't really give a shit that all that money had been spent before you even knew that you don't eat the top of the wedding cake. (You didn’t know that? Good thing you’re reading this blog then, huh?)

Her debts are now your debts, muchacho. And your car repossesses just as easily as does hers on a dark, moonless night.

extra credit:  Now you know why she makes you park your classic ’75 Firebird out on the street while her 2008 Camry gets the driveway.

So, please, I beg of you, sit down with each other, tell her that you love her desperately and then endeavor to find out about each other's complete and current financial situation. During this discussion, remember to discuss both of your expectations with money, as well as an honest assessment of how important material things are to either of you. Be very sure of what you're marrying into financially.

And if you're marrying her for her money, just know you're going to earn every single cent of it.

2.4: The Mother-In-Law

the mother of all in-laws

A man was told by his doctor that he only had 6 months to live. After reviewing his treatment options, he told the doctor that he had decided to forego any of the radical, experimental therapies they'd discussed and was instead was going to move in with his mother-in-law. "But why?!", asked the doctor.

"Because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever."

It is, in fact, the mother-in-law you want to make sure and eyeball real good. She is the one 'in-law' force stronger than kryptonite and probably the most powerful entity known to man. She cannot be dodged or avoided. Not forever, anyway.

And I write this not just for any of the obvious, "I Love Lucy” re-run reasons, either. If she’s a sweetheart (and there are millions out there who are) and you and she get along famously, then truly my son, Heaven has smiled upon you. But by every means at your disposal, do make the effort to be friends with her if you can. At the very least, be courteous and tolerant.

However, remember that what you've also got here, in essence, is a "time machine."  One that allows you to see The Future, i.e. what you'll be married to 20 or 30 years in the future. No, your bride-to-be may not look a thing like her mother. And temperamentally, they may be as different as Daphne and Velma on "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?"

btw - Did anybody else ever want to bend Daphne over the back of a couch, flip up that saucy little mini-skirt and have at it - or was it just me and Shaggy?

But, much like the sound-analyzing computer on board the USS Dallas in "The Hunt For Red October," women tend to run home to their original programming when things get confused, stressed, difficult or emotionally uncomfortable. And that, over the course of the next, oh, 30 years, is going to happen. A lot.

warning! - No matter how many times she says over the next few months leading up to the wedding how she hates her mother - or vows by all that is holy that she'll “never, ever to be like that!” - the worm, my friend, will definitely turn. And she will. In addition, in a twist too bizarre to ever be considered as a sub-plot for Lost or The X-Files, they'll also, at some point, become 'best friends' again.

extra credit:  Women, as a rule, have a new best friend every 6-8 months. Don't ask me why. Haven't got a clue.

Which brings us to the final, most important point. No matter what snide, derogatory thing your fiancee might say about her mother in this stressful, trying time, merely nod, make some understanding noises and pretend to be completely empathetic to her point of view.

But for god's sake, keep your mouth shut!

Because in years to come, just like that guy in 'The Manchurian Candidate', she won't remember anything she may have said, did, implied or caused to happen to diminish her relationship with her mother.

But she sure as hell will remember - precisely - everything you said and how you said it, including pauses, sighs and any other nuanced sounds or inflections you might have made.

Another strange Mother-In-Law permutation is the one where you get along famously with your not yet mother-in-law. Then, suddenly, after you pop the question, she becomes "the ghost who walks." Sightings of her (by you anyway) become scarcer than those of Howard Hughes in Vegas. If you've been on friendly terms with her up to this point, this will seem, at the very least, extremely odd, if not a little uncordial and could effect your growing relationship with your wife.

The few friends that I have who alerted me to this strange permutation said things generally go back to normal once the wedding has happened and you are now officially 'her son'. No satisfactory explanation for this phenomena has yet been offered, so you can simply look upon it as an example of yet another human being attempting to come to grips with their own mortality.

If  'mom' continues to remain aloof after the wedding, however, feel free to look upon it as a hidden blessing. And if you think you can live with your wife's mother being in your life, then by all means, keep reading.

2.3: The In-Laws

FAMILY TROUBLES

shake hands with the devil - the in-laws

A few years ago, a friend - let's call him Casey - who's from the South, told me he'd had a fight with his first wife shortly after they had been married. They were in the car driving down a country road, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede the other's point. As they passed a farm, they could both see a mule and some pigs in the barnyard. His wife turned and sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yeah," he replied, "My in-laws."

You've met your future in-laws, right? Especially her mom? If you have, then you've got no one to blame but yourself. If not, you'd better get it in gear, sport. And quickly. This is not one of those arbitrary, pleasant, "make-nice" things, either. There are very sound, practical reasons for eyeballing all of them. Because right after, "Do you want children?", probably the most important question for any potential life partner is: "Has anyone in your family ever died right after saying the words, 'Hey everybody! Watch this!' "

the father-in-law

AKA, "Daddy". Seems like The Big Hurdle, doesn't it? It's not, though. Like all Ben Stiller movies, they make waaay too much out of this one. Don't get me wrong. A girl's father – unless you're marrying Lizzie Borden, in which case you've got problems that can't be solved reading a blog – is extremely important to her.

But 90 percent of the time - unless you're also going to be working for him, or he happens to be the head one of the Five Organized Crime Families in New York - there's no real need for you to worry about her dad in the long term.

Why? Because regardless of the "I do" or "I don't" get-along-with-him aspect of the relationship, men, at the very least, know how to tolerate and - if worse comes to worse - avoid each other. And any guy who has ever been married to one person longer than Larry King or my Uncle Zeke basically gets it.

Sure, Daddy might even be openly hostile in the beginning. After all, you're stealing away His Little Girl. But what the hell, she's human, right? And that being the case, she's no doubt disappointed him before. So unless he's a complete psycho-dipwad, with time he'll become resigned to the fact that she made another huge life mistake, went ahead and married you… much the same way most men become resigned to the humbling fact that they're not, one day, going to be the CEO of General Electric.

btw: If your future father-in-law really is the CEO of General Electric or one of the Five Families, all I can say is 'good freakin' luck, pal!

brothers-in-law

More important than Papa, however, is the need to scope out any crazy, 'did-a-nickel-at-Raiford' future brothers-in-law. If you find out at your bachelor party that he thinks the inbred Mountain Men in Deliverance were just 'misunderstood', then you'll also quickly need to uncover what - if any - his specific psychotic-flashback triggers might be and then, just as important, never do that.

In most instances though, the worst case scenario is going to be something along the lines of "I'm a geek and he's a jock," or vice versa. Even if it's more egregious than that, all is not lost. There's still plenty of room for a potential friendship or, at the very minimum, establishing some sort of common ground such as beer, pizza, or Penelope Cruz's cupcakes.

In any event, since he grew up with his sister and you're marrying her, it's entirely possible that you can win him over fairly easily. Regardless of how much he adores her, there's always going to be some residual simpatico between the two of you.

That's because you both know what she’s like when she's underway at full speed with all her sails up. And in the 15 round cage match known as Marriage, everybody needs a good Cut Man in their corner now and then.

With my own brother-in-law (whom I consider to be a great guy) I always felt that – coming into a family with 6 brothers – either he had the biggest set of stones on the planet or he really and truly loved my sister. Even now I’m not exactly sure which one it is, but since they're still together after 20+ years, I guess it might possibly be the second.

Oh, by the way, my sister was married at age 14. [You're welcome, sister.]

Ultimately, it's just another guy, right? Somebody punches somebody, then you drink a beer and it gets figured out. Besides, you have to. It's your soon-to-be wife's brother.

sisters-in-law

Just like Charlie's Angels, if there are two or more girls in the family, there's always going to be one everyone considers "the smart one" and another thought of as "the pretty one."  Which one you've decided to marry is up to fate, luck and your choice of opening lines at the local watering hole. And if that's all you have to deal with, consider yourself lucky.

Listen carefully to how a woman describes a sister on the 4^th or 5^th date, and you'll get an idea of what's waiting for you at the rehearsal dinner. If you hear that she's 'a free spirit', immediately think, 'kicked out of Greenpeace for blowing shit up' or at the very least 'current or former substance user'.

If she says an un-wed sister is 'still looking for a soul-mate', know that Sissy is ‘on Prozac and one step away from being a stalker'. And if she uses the words 'a passionate, poetic soul' to describe a sibling, look forward to meet someone who's 'usually too loud, with Bi-Polar Disorder.'

The real need here is to discern if there's any 'Emotional Black Hole' future sisters-in-law lurking in the wings just waiting to glom onto you and your beloved in order to give meaning – any meaning – to her own life. Psycho Sisters are low-speed, high-drag impediments to any normal, healthy relationship even in the best of times, let alone during the highly fragile, emotionally quirky time leading up to the wedding.

The emotionally threatening fact that your bride-to-be is actually marrying and moving forward with her life while her sister still can't figure out why ‘all the good ones’ don't want to be with a beautiful but self-centered, emotionally-unavailable woman who's main refrain swings between 'I'm bored' and 'I'm depressed' is maybe going to cause a few problems in the months ahead.

If they're at all close, just know that it's also going to involve a lot of emotional and psychological care and feeding in the years to come from your soon-to-be wife. And you.

Cause guess what, Sigmund? Whether you realize it or not, you're now married to your fiancée and her sister! Only you don't get to have sex with the sister. Which is probably a good thing. But you will still have to put up with all that extra whiny, 'woe-is-me' static. Twice.

So be very self-aware of who you are, what your own emotional strengths and weaknesses are, and what the various tolerance levels on your empathy meter might be. Cause it will get pegged a lot.

Also, be aware of another future Sister-In-Law-From-Hell permutation. It doesn't crop up nearly as often, but a few women friends who are married took the time and trouble to point it out for me, so I feel I should at least mention it. 99 times out of 100, it never happens. But you've always been lucky, right?

Anyway, at this sensitive, emotionally charged stage for you and your beloved, a Rouge Sister-In-Law can be a long, wide and extremely deep mine field, especially if said Rouge Sister suddenly decides that she ‘really likes you' and that, this month anyway, they don't like their sister.

If your Spider-Senses start tingling at any real, or imagined, 'come hither' signals she may be sending your way, remember one thing: Have your cover story worked out well in advance.

Yes, common, garden-variety in-laws can be a pain. But they can also be dealt with in an effective manner. If you and she know that you don't get along with certain members of her family, take time to explain to your wife (in a very diplomatic fashion) that you need advance warning of any impending close encounters with them.

Let her know this is necessary for both your psychological well being and for overall marital harmony. This will allow you to prepare yourself effectively – emotionally, as well as chemically – by availing yourself of any necessary "attitude adjusting" stimulants and/or depressants that you may require.

Just as important, once you’re in the same vicinity as your in-laws, is imperative to remember the following: Stick and move! Keep your guard up! Don’t get trapped in the corners! Above all, observe a disciplined regimen of minimizing any close-quarters, personal exposure to their deadly, life-sapping radiation.

Or, as my professional, sport-fishing-boat-captain brother Mike often says, "Tag and release, buddy. Tag and release."

2.2: Domestic Differences

listen to what your friends say about your future wife

And to what they say about how the two of you fit together. They're your friends after all. Okay. One friend who says something? Well… maybe he (or she) and the future Mrs. Your-Name-Here just don't get along. And probably never will. So as they say in the French Foreign Legion, "C'est la guerre." ("That's war." - remember to throw in a fatalistic shrug as you say it.)

But five or more friends who say something? Well then, maybe, just maybe, it's you that's got it wrong this time, mon ami. Or maybe you got rope-a-doped into asking the wrong girl the right question. In either case, you should seriously think about making an exit, stage right. And fast.

I have more than a couple friends, now in second (and third) marriages, who learned this one the hard way. Or as an old bartender I know once summed it up, "Kid, it's okay to sometimes be a fool. Just don't be a complete f#cking idiot."

Another friend – oh, let's call him 'Bill' – sensed a bit of trepidation on the part of more than a few of his friends (both male and female) in the months leading up to his wedding day. However, out of a finely-honed sense of love, honor and loyalty, he ignored their warnings of the limited survivability of the match.

Finally, he was standing in the reception line after his large Catholic Wedding (all you Catholics know what this means). Friends and family were graciously wishing the bride and groom health, wealth and happiness. Then came two friends of Bill's from college that he hadn't seen in a while. Mr K and Miss B. Mr K shook Bill's hand, leaned in and whispered, "You know this will never last." Miss B subtly grabbed Bill's left cheek (the side without the wallet) and whispered, "See you in two years, we could have some fun."

Three years later, he was divorced and living with his younger brother in a one bedroom apartment in the City of Industry in Southern California, working at a Jiffy Lube. Things are much better for him now and he is married to a wonderful woman, but more importantly, he is with a wonderful woman who he is perfectly suited to and, just as important, who is perfectly suited to him.

But to this day, he still says, "If only I would have listened before the "I do's." So think about what your fiancee is really like. And, just as important, what you're really like.

If you're a take-charge kind of guy who likes and admires those qualities in other people, but are marrying her because you think it's adorable how small and vulnerable she seems, just know that in about three years time "fragile & petite" will have horribly morphed into "annoyingly weak & helpless."

If you're a career-minded guy who also likes to keep himself in shape and your bride is a very attractive but "emotionally high maintenance" woman who has repeatedly said to all who will listen that she's marrying you because she 'likes your body' and 'knows you'll be a 'good provider', well, just know that in a few years she'll be telling her divorce attorney that 'He's never there for me. He spends all his time at the office and the gym.'

Other 'Domestic Differences' - such a bland-sounding name for a Marriage IED, huh? - also involve little, innocuous, petty grievances such as:

·         Infidelity (i.e. Cheating)

·         Lack of Communication (she talks waaay too much, you don’t talk at all)

·         Mid-Life Crisis (most men cannot afford a Lamborghini) 

·         Addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)

·         Physical Abuse

·         Dishonesty (lying about any of the above)

All those, and the fact that your wife should have realized she should never have married outside her species in the first place. So if you already have one or more of these skeletons lurking in the closet, have no intention or idea of how to get help for it, and haven't come clean to her yet, then "Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200."

And don't bother trying to learn how to tie a bow-tie, either Fred Astaire. Cause your marriage is over before you even get the waistband on that rented Tux altered.

2.1: Marriage SATs

MARRIAGE SATs

Because my wife is Catholic, I got married in the Catholic Church. If she had been Buddhist, I no doubt would have been married standing there with a shaved head, wearing an orange robe and saying "AUHM", over and over. But, I digress.

In order to be "married Catholic", the Roman Church - in its infinite wisdom - makes ALL prospective couples participate in some things I like to call "Marriage SAT's" and "Marriage Driving School".

Yes? You in the back? What? (*sigh*)  Okay, yes, obviously they have a different, official-sounding name for it. And if you want to know what it is, get off your lazy ass and call the local parish office, okay? I'm not your fiancee, you know.

Anyway, although I resisted doing it at the time – after all, this was stuff I already knew, right? – in retrospect it turned out to be one of the best, most important things we both could both have done BEFORE we got married.

We started out by filling out an SAT-style questionnaire where we answered a series of questions about our ideas and opinions on the state of matrimony. Things such as:

·         What did we think marriage was going to be like?

·         What did we think our responsibilities to our spouse would be?

·         What did we think about the discharge of finances within a marriage?
  (Who controls the money? What's important and what's frivolous?) and;

·         Why were we getting married in the first place?

The questionnaire was then analyzed by the Catholic Church's famed UniBlab 9000 computer (the Jetson's stole that from them, you know), and then a nun – Sister Mary De Profundis, who'd taught enough boys just like me to have my number right from the jump – took us through our answers one by one, especially the ones where our hopes and expectations where markedly different.

What we learned about each other was surprising. And crucial.

I learned things about my wife that I hadn't even realized. And vice versa. Important things. Things we definitely needed to know and discuss with each other but seemed unromantic. Before we got married. It opened our eyes to each other's expectations. And knowing those things are what lasting relationships are really based upon. So if you both have it in your heads that this is just a "starter marriage", then feel free to skip this.

extra credit:  A basic difference between being a single man and a married man was once summed up by author G. K. Chesterton, who observed, "A man's friends like him but leave him as he is. His wife loves him, and is always trying to turn him into somebody else." Oh, and, by the way, she's not stupid. She's not going to tell you that's what she's doing, because she may not even realize it herself. But it is. She's just not counting on what a stubborn jackass you can be sometimes.

The reason she thinks it's possible to change you, by the way, is because she – like all women – is constantly changing her likes, dislikes, needs, desires and hopes. And she believes that you should too. Just so long as they coincide with hers.

Besides, as she'll no doubt be telling you soon enough, liking the same things the same way all the time is boring. Unless, of course, you're the one who's actually moving the couch back and forth across the living room four times in a row.

Back to the point. There are a number of places that you can go, both religious and secular, to take a version of Marriage SATs. Most major organized religions offer them in some form or another, as do secular marriage councilors. I highly recommend it.

Why? Because despite the lack of romance involved, plus the hassle of finding out where they're offered, the time spent taking them, then listening to somebody who's not married anymore (or never has been or will be) yammer on about the results, taking Marriage SATs still involves a lot less time, money, effort and heartache than even your average "no-fault" divorce.

real life:  As we left, the nun turned to my wife and said in a conciliatory fashion, "And good luck, dear." Yeah. Sisters of Charity my ass.

'Marriage Driving School', on the other hand was, to me, a HUGE waste of time. I mention it here only because it was required of us to do in order to get our ticket punched so we could get married in the small side chapel at Our Lady of Great Agony.

We arrived at the huge “gym-a-torium” redolent of every Catholic grammar school at the achingly early hour of 7 a.m. Then, a tepid cup of weak coffee and a stale doughnut later, precisely at 7:30a sharp, Father Monotone began his all-day-long pep talk re: All Things Marriage.

Yes, you read that right: 'All-Day-Long' -- hence the sobriquet "Marriage Driving School." The talk wandered from topic to topic, but all were basically structured to inform us about the different aspects of marriage and about what we, as potential life partners, should know.

And the whole time he spoke, I couldn't help but think to myself, over and over, "How the hell would you know, pal? You're a Catholic Priest! Technically, you're not even allowed to have sex, let alone be married!"

Then he made his mistake. It was late afternoon and he must have sensed he was losing his audience, captive though we were, and foolishly decided to throw a question open to the peanut gallery.

"What is the correct response," he wondered aloud, "to the statement, 'I'm sorry’?"

A sweet young girl - you know the type: always sits in the front, always studies, never lets you look at her answers - raised her hand and said, "Um… 'That's okay?'"  The priest smiled and gently shook his head no. Then from somewhere in the middle of the auditorium, another woman's voice called out, "Eh… 'I'm sorry, too?'"  "No", Father kindly replied.

Finally, unable to stand it any longer, from the last row all the way in the back where the bad boys usually sit, I called out my answer: " 'You oughta be'!"

Not the right answer, as it turned out, but I got the laugh. The real answer, according to the priest, was "I forgive you." Yeah. Sure. Like that's ever going to happen in my house.

3.2: Key Steps to a Great Marriage Proposal

"fall on your knees" - the proposal as event

It's not that I did it wrong. Asking the woman you love to marry you can never be considered 'wrong.' I did not, however, do it in the most romantic, thoughtful and unique way possible - thus providing my wife with a warm tingle in the years to come whenever she thought of it. So learn from an old sinner and "do as I say, not as I do".

When I asked my wife to marry me, I only managed (barely) to include two of the five prime ingredients listed below. For years of fond, romantic remembrances – and the luxury of not having her "remind" you of what a complete and utter failure your proposal was whenever what someone else who did it "the right way" (i.e. better than you) is discussed  – please pay attention to The Five Necessary Elements of a Successful, Romantic Proposal listed below.

They are, in no particular order of importance:

·         Sentiment

·         Elegance

·         Romance

·         Uniqueness

·         Timing

sentiment

Try to ask her in such a way that it involves something that has meaning for the BOTH of you. By that I mean that, unless she's last year's North American Call Champion, asking her to be yours forever in a duck blind in November probably isn't the best idea.

Something that always works is involving an aspect of when, where and how the two of you first met. And if, for some reason, you think that involves a trip to the junkyard in order to unearth and acquire the back seat of your father's 2007 Chrysler LeBaron, well, then, to each his own.

elegance

This relates to the setting. Hopefully it will be beautiful and someplace that she loves to be - i.e. a great restaurant or a scenic overlook at sunset or both. Or, if she technically shouldn't be wearing white at the wedding, perhaps even a sunrise.

schwing time! Chances are pretty good in this sexually liberated country of ours that – unless you live in Amish Country – you're going to be 'gettin' some' after you pop the question. So if you want to make the memory extra special, rent a nice hotel room with a scenic view or a fireplace in advance. That way, you can retreat to it after the prelims are over. This will rack up points BIG TIME.

romance

Sure, get down on one knee. In front of a lot of other people is nice, too. (They can be subpoenaed later on to give depositions.)  And no one ever went wrong with flowers, chocolate, candle light, ocean sunsets, near a roaring fire, or any scenario that involves moon and/or star-light. If you can also do it in such a way that she looks and feels extra good (all 'dolled up' and in a nice dress), you score extra bonus points as well.

uniqueness

A girl likes to feel special. Think about the problem and see if you can combine all the elements above in such a way as to make the event totally unique to the two of you. If she knows or figures out that you're asking her just like your Cousin Fred asked his wife, then the impact won't be ruined, but it will be somewhat diminished.

timing

The Universe, if nothing else, is a supreme practical joker. If you get all of the above absolutely perfect, but have left to chance something that might go wrong, then, as Mr. Murphy will be happy to tell you, it will. Therefore, take a moment. Situational awareness is key. Think about what else might be going on and minimize the chances for bad things to happen during the event.

You don't want someone or something else stealing your freshly-minted fiancee's thunder. For instance, don't plan to ask her on the same day that her sister decides to have that huge nose wart removed – you know, the one that you’ve been trying not to stare at whenever you have to talk to her? Even such an innocent-sounding scenario can lead to a tainted anything-that-can-go-wrong-will-go-wrong memory.