2.2: Domestic Differences

listen to what your friends say about your future wife

And to what they say about how the two of you fit together. They're your friends after all. Okay. One friend who says something? Well… maybe he (or she) and the future Mrs. Your-Name-Here just don't get along. And probably never will. So as they say in the French Foreign Legion, "C'est la guerre." ("That's war." - remember to throw in a fatalistic shrug as you say it.)

But five or more friends who say something? Well then, maybe, just maybe, it's you that's got it wrong this time, mon ami. Or maybe you got rope-a-doped into asking the wrong girl the right question. In either case, you should seriously think about making an exit, stage right. And fast.

I have more than a couple friends, now in second (and third) marriages, who learned this one the hard way. Or as an old bartender I know once summed it up, "Kid, it's okay to sometimes be a fool. Just don't be a complete f#cking idiot."

Another friend – oh, let's call him 'Bill' – sensed a bit of trepidation on the part of more than a few of his friends (both male and female) in the months leading up to his wedding day. However, out of a finely-honed sense of love, honor and loyalty, he ignored their warnings of the limited survivability of the match.

Finally, he was standing in the reception line after his large Catholic Wedding (all you Catholics know what this means). Friends and family were graciously wishing the bride and groom health, wealth and happiness. Then came two friends of Bill's from college that he hadn't seen in a while. Mr K and Miss B. Mr K shook Bill's hand, leaned in and whispered, "You know this will never last." Miss B subtly grabbed Bill's left cheek (the side without the wallet) and whispered, "See you in two years, we could have some fun."

Three years later, he was divorced and living with his younger brother in a one bedroom apartment in the City of Industry in Southern California, working at a Jiffy Lube. Things are much better for him now and he is married to a wonderful woman, but more importantly, he is with a wonderful woman who he is perfectly suited to and, just as important, who is perfectly suited to him.

But to this day, he still says, "If only I would have listened before the "I do's." So think about what your fiancee is really like. And, just as important, what you're really like.

If you're a take-charge kind of guy who likes and admires those qualities in other people, but are marrying her because you think it's adorable how small and vulnerable she seems, just know that in about three years time "fragile & petite" will have horribly morphed into "annoyingly weak & helpless."

If you're a career-minded guy who also likes to keep himself in shape and your bride is a very attractive but "emotionally high maintenance" woman who has repeatedly said to all who will listen that she's marrying you because she 'likes your body' and 'knows you'll be a 'good provider', well, just know that in a few years she'll be telling her divorce attorney that 'He's never there for me. He spends all his time at the office and the gym.'

Other 'Domestic Differences' - such a bland-sounding name for a Marriage IED, huh? - also involve little, innocuous, petty grievances such as:

·         Infidelity (i.e. Cheating)

·         Lack of Communication (she talks waaay too much, you don’t talk at all)

·         Mid-Life Crisis (most men cannot afford a Lamborghini) 

·         Addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)

·         Physical Abuse

·         Dishonesty (lying about any of the above)

All those, and the fact that your wife should have realized she should never have married outside her species in the first place. So if you already have one or more of these skeletons lurking in the closet, have no intention or idea of how to get help for it, and haven't come clean to her yet, then "Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200."

And don't bother trying to learn how to tie a bow-tie, either Fred Astaire. Cause your marriage is over before you even get the waistband on that rented Tux altered.