1.0: You Asked Her To Marry You?! - Intro

No Flippin Way!

         So… you finally sucked it up and popped the question, eh? And believe me, we all thought that would never happen. Be that as it may, you finally showed the world you've got a pair and joined the ranks of the real adults. You made "The Choice" and selected “The One.” You asked someone to be The One Woman You'll Spend The Rest Of Your Life With And Wake Up To Every Morning From Now On. Forever.

Scary, huh? As Socrates… or was it my father?… once said, "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished."

As you’ll no doubt learn in the coming weeks and months ahead, there are thousands of books, magazines, pamphlets, guides, CDs, DVDs, web sites, YouTube vids and other sources for your fiancée to find and use. All of them are geared at helping a Bride-to-be achieve her short life's biggest dream - that of having The Best Wedding A Girl Could Possibly Hope For (given limitations of time, money and all the annoying, hopelessly idiotic things her mother is going to suggest).

But this site, my friend, is solely for you.

Now, you can let your fiancee read it. Or maybe, like my wife, she'll simply shove you aside, start reading, and tell you that you can have the iPad back when she's good and ready. But just know, after she’s done, she's going to ante up with her opinions - whether you wanted it or not. And then she's going to tell you exactly what she thinks is - and is not - right about it.

When this happens, please remember: A woman's opinion about something written by a guy for guys - especially where weddings are concerned - is pretty much going to be like her opinion about other women.

You know the one's I'm talking about. The ones that make Big Jim & the Twins immediately snap to attention, but whom your fiancee thinks have probably slept with lots of heavy metal rock stars and almost certainly have a disease. The ones she immediately tells you, 'aren't really attractive.'

But as my brother Joe tells his wife all the time, "Well I guess that means when you grow your penis you probably won't screw her with it, will you?"

"Who is this a-hole, anyway?" That's what you're thinking by now, isn't it? That and, "What the hell makes him such an expert?"

A fair question. Am I a member of some 'lucky sperm club' gifted with genetically-enhanced, Martha Stewart-like chromosomes, endowing me with an omniscient, god-like knowledge of all the proper procedural minutia for any impending nuptial?

Do I have some special hot-link communications setup, allowing me to instantly interface with Oprah and her cabal, or those chicks from “The View,” or even Dr. Phil anytime even the most minor emotional crisis or 'life question' comes up during the engagement?

Extra Credit:  As you're not married yet, Dr. Phil started out as an 'Oprah' thing. My wife tried to explain him to me once while I was watching the Budweiser Cheetos NFL Pro-Am Bowl, so I didn't get all the details. Truth be known, it implies a level of interest I do not enjoy.

Nope, none of those. My chief – nay, my sole – qualification is that I got married once. And I'm still (at this writing, anyway) married. To the same woman. The big reason for all that, of course, is because I truly love my wife and she ignor… eh, adores me.

My single, biggest advantage over you is that I usually know when and how to gracefully lose the argument.

Extra Credit:  As a future husband, if you remember only one concept from any of these scribblings, let it be that one.

Now nearly over 10 years later, by writing this, I'm hoping to make you a) smile, and b) educate you a tiny bit in order to help you avoid the mistakes that legions of other would-be, pole-axed grooms made as they went quietly and unquestioningly "over-the-top" when the whistle blew without so much as a "Why are we doing this again, hon?"

So, now that my qualifications have been placed in their proper, if dubious, perspective, I suppose I should add this:

There is "The Rule", and then there is “The Exception to the Rule." Your situation may well be The Exception. But remember, there's a reason why it's called "The Rule". In addition, there are copious references to "Tradition" both here and in countless other places about weddings and the holy state of matrimony.

But as my grandfather once pointed out, "Tradition is what you fall back on when you don't have the time or money to do it right."