2.0: The Pre-Marriage Checklist

we who are about to die salute you

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late."

                                                                                                              -  Max Kaufman

Before we talk about anything else, we're going to talk about divorce. Yeah, you heard me. I didn't stutter.

First and foremost, this is about (hopefully) involving yourself in a marriage that will last. So, if you’re walking down the aisle with a woman you asked to marry you solely because you like to hear Mendelssohn's 'The Wedding March' on a church organ - or maybe you’re just killing time until Miss August comes to her senses and leaves whatever actor/rock star she's married to at the moment – then you should jump back to Google Search, type in "amazing jugs" and then please forward this link to a serious friend who's committed to getting married in the near future.

But if you're really sure that this one is The One – and you are sure about this, right? RIGHT?! – then take a seat and read on. And for God’s sake, remember to flush this time, okay? (Seriously. Were you raised with wolves or what?)

Let's quick run through the check-list and see if you've accomplished everything you should have BEFORE we release the breaks, engage the afterburners and utter those magic words in front of God and all those people.

Don't worry, I see you out there. "Check list? What check list?! Nobody said anything about a check list? What the hell is he talking about?!" Well there is one. And this is it. So pay attention.

According to the National Statistical Office's Annual Report on Vital Statistics (1998) the reasons most often listed for divorce are, in order of importance:

·         Domestic Differences

·         Family Troubles

·         Health

·         Financial Problems

·         Other

So in the interest of closing the barn door BEFORE the horse gets out, let's run down what lies behind and beneath the statistics.

{I'm not going to cover Health, by the way. Unless you're an eye surgeon who's fallen madly in love with a blind woman that you're convinced you can cure, just like Rock Hudson in that movie, I'll assume that both you and your wife are in good health and – along with your insurance company – expect to remain so for at least the next 20 odd years.}

extra credit:  Rock Hudson, in real life, was gay. And it's not true that married men live longer than single men, either. It just seems longer. A lot longer. And, interestingly, most married men are a lot more willing to die.