2.3: The In-Laws

FAMILY TROUBLES

shake hands with the devil - the in-laws

A few years ago, a friend - let's call him Casey - who's from the South, told me he'd had a fight with his first wife shortly after they had been married. They were in the car driving down a country road, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede the other's point. As they passed a farm, they could both see a mule and some pigs in the barnyard. His wife turned and sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yeah," he replied, "My in-laws."

You've met your future in-laws, right? Especially her mom? If you have, then you've got no one to blame but yourself. If not, you'd better get it in gear, sport. And quickly. This is not one of those arbitrary, pleasant, "make-nice" things, either. There are very sound, practical reasons for eyeballing all of them. Because right after, "Do you want children?", probably the most important question for any potential life partner is: "Has anyone in your family ever died right after saying the words, 'Hey everybody! Watch this!' "

the father-in-law

AKA, "Daddy". Seems like The Big Hurdle, doesn't it? It's not, though. Like all Ben Stiller movies, they make waaay too much out of this one. Don't get me wrong. A girl's father – unless you're marrying Lizzie Borden, in which case you've got problems that can't be solved reading a blog – is extremely important to her.

But 90 percent of the time - unless you're also going to be working for him, or he happens to be the head one of the Five Organized Crime Families in New York - there's no real need for you to worry about her dad in the long term.

Why? Because regardless of the "I do" or "I don't" get-along-with-him aspect of the relationship, men, at the very least, know how to tolerate and - if worse comes to worse - avoid each other. And any guy who has ever been married to one person longer than Larry King or my Uncle Zeke basically gets it.

Sure, Daddy might even be openly hostile in the beginning. After all, you're stealing away His Little Girl. But what the hell, she's human, right? And that being the case, she's no doubt disappointed him before. So unless he's a complete psycho-dipwad, with time he'll become resigned to the fact that she made another huge life mistake, went ahead and married you… much the same way most men become resigned to the humbling fact that they're not, one day, going to be the CEO of General Electric.

btw: If your future father-in-law really is the CEO of General Electric or one of the Five Families, all I can say is 'good freakin' luck, pal!

brothers-in-law

More important than Papa, however, is the need to scope out any crazy, 'did-a-nickel-at-Raiford' future brothers-in-law. If you find out at your bachelor party that he thinks the inbred Mountain Men in Deliverance were just 'misunderstood', then you'll also quickly need to uncover what - if any - his specific psychotic-flashback triggers might be and then, just as important, never do that.

In most instances though, the worst case scenario is going to be something along the lines of "I'm a geek and he's a jock," or vice versa. Even if it's more egregious than that, all is not lost. There's still plenty of room for a potential friendship or, at the very minimum, establishing some sort of common ground such as beer, pizza, or Penelope Cruz's cupcakes.

In any event, since he grew up with his sister and you're marrying her, it's entirely possible that you can win him over fairly easily. Regardless of how much he adores her, there's always going to be some residual simpatico between the two of you.

That's because you both know what she’s like when she's underway at full speed with all her sails up. And in the 15 round cage match known as Marriage, everybody needs a good Cut Man in their corner now and then.

With my own brother-in-law (whom I consider to be a great guy) I always felt that – coming into a family with 6 brothers – either he had the biggest set of stones on the planet or he really and truly loved my sister. Even now I’m not exactly sure which one it is, but since they're still together after 20+ years, I guess it might possibly be the second.

Oh, by the way, my sister was married at age 14. [You're welcome, sister.]

Ultimately, it's just another guy, right? Somebody punches somebody, then you drink a beer and it gets figured out. Besides, you have to. It's your soon-to-be wife's brother.

sisters-in-law

Just like Charlie's Angels, if there are two or more girls in the family, there's always going to be one everyone considers "the smart one" and another thought of as "the pretty one."  Which one you've decided to marry is up to fate, luck and your choice of opening lines at the local watering hole. And if that's all you have to deal with, consider yourself lucky.

Listen carefully to how a woman describes a sister on the 4^th or 5^th date, and you'll get an idea of what's waiting for you at the rehearsal dinner. If you hear that she's 'a free spirit', immediately think, 'kicked out of Greenpeace for blowing shit up' or at the very least 'current or former substance user'.

If she says an un-wed sister is 'still looking for a soul-mate', know that Sissy is ‘on Prozac and one step away from being a stalker'. And if she uses the words 'a passionate, poetic soul' to describe a sibling, look forward to meet someone who's 'usually too loud, with Bi-Polar Disorder.'

The real need here is to discern if there's any 'Emotional Black Hole' future sisters-in-law lurking in the wings just waiting to glom onto you and your beloved in order to give meaning – any meaning – to her own life. Psycho Sisters are low-speed, high-drag impediments to any normal, healthy relationship even in the best of times, let alone during the highly fragile, emotionally quirky time leading up to the wedding.

The emotionally threatening fact that your bride-to-be is actually marrying and moving forward with her life while her sister still can't figure out why ‘all the good ones’ don't want to be with a beautiful but self-centered, emotionally-unavailable woman who's main refrain swings between 'I'm bored' and 'I'm depressed' is maybe going to cause a few problems in the months ahead.

If they're at all close, just know that it's also going to involve a lot of emotional and psychological care and feeding in the years to come from your soon-to-be wife. And you.

Cause guess what, Sigmund? Whether you realize it or not, you're now married to your fiancée and her sister! Only you don't get to have sex with the sister. Which is probably a good thing. But you will still have to put up with all that extra whiny, 'woe-is-me' static. Twice.

So be very self-aware of who you are, what your own emotional strengths and weaknesses are, and what the various tolerance levels on your empathy meter might be. Cause it will get pegged a lot.

Also, be aware of another future Sister-In-Law-From-Hell permutation. It doesn't crop up nearly as often, but a few women friends who are married took the time and trouble to point it out for me, so I feel I should at least mention it. 99 times out of 100, it never happens. But you've always been lucky, right?

Anyway, at this sensitive, emotionally charged stage for you and your beloved, a Rouge Sister-In-Law can be a long, wide and extremely deep mine field, especially if said Rouge Sister suddenly decides that she ‘really likes you' and that, this month anyway, they don't like their sister.

If your Spider-Senses start tingling at any real, or imagined, 'come hither' signals she may be sending your way, remember one thing: Have your cover story worked out well in advance.

Yes, common, garden-variety in-laws can be a pain. But they can also be dealt with in an effective manner. If you and she know that you don't get along with certain members of her family, take time to explain to your wife (in a very diplomatic fashion) that you need advance warning of any impending close encounters with them.

Let her know this is necessary for both your psychological well being and for overall marital harmony. This will allow you to prepare yourself effectively – emotionally, as well as chemically – by availing yourself of any necessary "attitude adjusting" stimulants and/or depressants that you may require.

Just as important, once you’re in the same vicinity as your in-laws, is imperative to remember the following: Stick and move! Keep your guard up! Don’t get trapped in the corners! Above all, observe a disciplined regimen of minimizing any close-quarters, personal exposure to their deadly, life-sapping radiation.

Or, as my professional, sport-fishing-boat-captain brother Mike often says, "Tag and release, buddy. Tag and release."