2.4: The Mother-In-Law

the mother of all in-laws

A man was told by his doctor that he only had 6 months to live. After reviewing his treatment options, he told the doctor that he had decided to forego any of the radical, experimental therapies they'd discussed and was instead was going to move in with his mother-in-law. "But why?!", asked the doctor.

"Because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever."

It is, in fact, the mother-in-law you want to make sure and eyeball real good. She is the one 'in-law' force stronger than kryptonite and probably the most powerful entity known to man. She cannot be dodged or avoided. Not forever, anyway.

And I write this not just for any of the obvious, "I Love Lucy” re-run reasons, either. If she’s a sweetheart (and there are millions out there who are) and you and she get along famously, then truly my son, Heaven has smiled upon you. But by every means at your disposal, do make the effort to be friends with her if you can. At the very least, be courteous and tolerant.

However, remember that what you've also got here, in essence, is a "time machine."  One that allows you to see The Future, i.e. what you'll be married to 20 or 30 years in the future. No, your bride-to-be may not look a thing like her mother. And temperamentally, they may be as different as Daphne and Velma on "Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?"

btw - Did anybody else ever want to bend Daphne over the back of a couch, flip up that saucy little mini-skirt and have at it - or was it just me and Shaggy?

But, much like the sound-analyzing computer on board the USS Dallas in "The Hunt For Red October," women tend to run home to their original programming when things get confused, stressed, difficult or emotionally uncomfortable. And that, over the course of the next, oh, 30 years, is going to happen. A lot.

warning! - No matter how many times she says over the next few months leading up to the wedding how she hates her mother - or vows by all that is holy that she'll “never, ever to be like that!” - the worm, my friend, will definitely turn. And she will. In addition, in a twist too bizarre to ever be considered as a sub-plot for Lost or The X-Files, they'll also, at some point, become 'best friends' again.

extra credit:  Women, as a rule, have a new best friend every 6-8 months. Don't ask me why. Haven't got a clue.

Which brings us to the final, most important point. No matter what snide, derogatory thing your fiancee might say about her mother in this stressful, trying time, merely nod, make some understanding noises and pretend to be completely empathetic to her point of view.

But for god's sake, keep your mouth shut!

Because in years to come, just like that guy in 'The Manchurian Candidate', she won't remember anything she may have said, did, implied or caused to happen to diminish her relationship with her mother.

But she sure as hell will remember - precisely - everything you said and how you said it, including pauses, sighs and any other nuanced sounds or inflections you might have made.

Another strange Mother-In-Law permutation is the one where you get along famously with your not yet mother-in-law. Then, suddenly, after you pop the question, she becomes "the ghost who walks." Sightings of her (by you anyway) become scarcer than those of Howard Hughes in Vegas. If you've been on friendly terms with her up to this point, this will seem, at the very least, extremely odd, if not a little uncordial and could effect your growing relationship with your wife.

The few friends that I have who alerted me to this strange permutation said things generally go back to normal once the wedding has happened and you are now officially 'her son'. No satisfactory explanation for this phenomena has yet been offered, so you can simply look upon it as an example of yet another human being attempting to come to grips with their own mortality.

If  'mom' continues to remain aloof after the wedding, however, feel free to look upon it as a hidden blessing. And if you think you can live with your wife's mother being in your life, then by all means, keep reading.